Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Seattle Seahawks
Some individuals are followers of the Seattle Seahawks. However many, many extra individuals are NOT followers of the Seattle Seahawks. This 2024 Defector NFL workforce preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews to date right here.
Your workforce: Seattle Seahawks.
Your 2023 document: 9-8, which might be the equal of going 4-13 in an actual convention. An XFL workforce might go 9-8 if it had the Seahawks’ 2023 schedule, which included video games towards the Commanders, Giants, Panthers and two towards the Cardinals. At the very least Seattle all the time took care of enterprise towards these Caleb Williams hopefuls and made the playoffs, proper?
Mason Rudolph will begin towards the Seahawks.
Seven months in the past, he was again at house, updating his resume and desirous about what could possibly be subsequent after soccer.
Now, he could possibly be on observe for a Geno Smith-like resurgence. https://t.co/xq5ChkP6oC
— Brooke Pryor (@bepryor) December 29, 2023
Ah, how might I neglect. The Seahawks kind of missed the postseason as a result of they couldn’t maintain the fort at house towards Mason Rudolph, maybe the one quarterback within the league who might give Geno Smith a run for his cash within the “worst and/or most embarrassing way to intentionally get hit in the head by another NFL player” division. Rudolph was a couple of weeks away from being Ben Shapiro’s soccer insider till he miraculously led a win towards a Joe Burrow-less Bengals workforce in Week 16. All Seattle needed to do was not dribble down its leg in entrance of its allegedly menacing house crowd to finish the Rudolph redemption tour and be within the driver’s seat headed into the ultimate week of the season. As an alternative, the Seahawks gave up 30 factors to a Rudolph-and-Najee Harris-led offense, turning a Steelers workforce on life help into the 2001 Patriots.
Seattle possibly had two wins price a well mannered golf clap all final season. In any other case, the Seahawks misplaced to each workforce with even half a mind, getting smacked up by basically each opponent that was really attempting to win in 2023. Their 9-8 document is about as significant as whoever gained the Puget Sound Softball League final yr. And even these guys didn’t get pleasure from taking part in P.J. Walker at house.
Your coach: Mike Macdonald. That’s proper, Pete Carroll’s seat lastly received sizzling sufficient for him to be fired (although nonetheless not sizzling sufficient for it to soften metal beams). What’s going to a Seahawks broadcast even be now if FOX can’t suck up 20 minutes of airtime with gratuitous photographs of Carroll aggressively chewing gum to compensate for the actual fact he can’t coach a protection anymore? As an alternative they received this man:
First off, why is his face so near the digital camera? Again the fuck up, man. At the very least Pete Carroll had some stage of presence on the sideline. Macdonald has the charisma of a automotive salesman who wears his polos and khakis two sizes too small. He appears to be like like he’s about to point out me all of the totally different angles I might use with my Toyota’s backup digital camera. He appears to be like just like the sort of man who says, “Is there some kind of spice on this?” every time he eats one thing with a sprinkle of black pepper. I’ll give Macdonald credit score for this: In a league crammed with nondescript males who get employed merely due to the cowardice of ultra-conservative homeowners, Macdonald stands out as one of the crucial generic-looking folks I’ve seen in my total life. He appears to be like like an NPC they use to populate the sideline in a Madden sport who now will get to be an actual boy.
Anyway, in an period wherein offensive expertise and scheme are extra necessary than ever, and having the proper coach means you can drag even Brock Purdy to the Tremendous Bowl, the Seahawks employed the Ravens’ defensive coordinator, however crucially gained’t be bringing over any of the Ravens’ defensive expertise. Mike Shanahan actually didn’t have a nephew mendacity round someplace? What concerning the man who gels up Sean McVay’s hair each morning? Or possibly a random fan whose solely job is to name the very same performs as Mike McDaniel?
Right here’s who’s in command of the Seattle offense as an alternative:
I’m sorry, that isn’t “Ryan Grubb.” I’m an alternate-universe model of Wealthy Eisen, who has fallen on arduous occasions and simply had his DUI mugshot hit social media.
And since NFL regulation requires not less than one nepo child on each teaching workers, Jay Harbaugh (son of Jim, nephew of John) can be teaching particular groups. It will likely be the primary time in his grownup life that he hasn’t labored for his dad or uncle. If the plan is for the remainder of the workforce to be so uninspiring that nobody can deliver themselves to care concerning the kicking and punting, this could possibly be a home-run transfer.
Your quarterback: Geno Smith, a.ok.a Mr. Glass, a.ok.a. Jaws. As a Dolphins fan, I’ve a specific curiosity in Geno Smith. As a result of I’ve seen this film many occasions earlier than, and it brings me a wierd delight to observe folks tiptoe round calling Geno something aside from wildly replaceable. Hell, I’ve made most of the identical excuses myself. Geno just isn’t the issue! This workforce simply wants an actual protection! The offensive line is what’s actually holding them again! It doesn’t matter who’s beneath middle in the event you can’t cease the run! Seahawks followers and the group itself will apparently go to nice lengths to persuade themselves Geno is the man, when the 2 finest seasons of his profession have produced back-to-back 9-8 data in an extremely watered-down NFC. If Scooby-Doo and the Thriller Team had been right here, they’d have already pulled Geno’s masks off to disclose Ryan Tannehill beneath. I’m sorry—I take that again. At the very least Tannehill has gained a playoff sport earlier than. Geno might not be the issue, however he certain as hell isn’t the answer.
Seattle is as an alternative in limbo, a workforce with a brand new coach and a lame-duck quarterback who nearly undoubtedly gained’t be on the workforce subsequent season. However in one other masterstroke of roster-building, the following man up on the depth chart is former Commanders nice Sam Howell. That is probably the most forgettable quarterback duo since final yr’s Seattle twosome of Geno and Drew Lock. This workforce isn’t even attempting as a lot as it’s hoping Shanahan and McVay get bored and grow to be consultants for the navy or one thing.
What’s new that sucks: Why ought to anybody give a shit about what’s new right here? The Seahawks are dripping with a lot “Will they finish 8-9 or 9-8?” vitality that they might as properly have let Jeff Fisher get a one-year farewell tour with this roster earlier than really attempting to construct an actual winner once more. Seattle’s greatest free-agent signing was former Dolphins linebacker Jerome Baker. (In the meantime, Miami fortunately signed the man Baker is changing—Jordyn Brooks—to an even bigger contract, which is slightly regarding.) George Fant is again to be a forgettable a part of the offensive line. The secondary has been revamped, with safeties Jamal Adams and Quandre Diggs each being changed by a mix of free brokers and draft picks. At the very least Adams was charming to observe in a “Is this car about to hit another car in the Costco parking lot?” kind of manner. It’s nearly as if Rayshawn Jenkins and Ok’Von Wallace had been introduced in particularly to be boring.
The Seahawks couldn’t even do us the courtesy of creating a baffling draft choose. They took a defensive sort out, a guard, a linebacker and a decent finish with their first 4 picks. I do know each workforce needs to be stout within the trenches, however god rattling that could be a boring four-round run. They drafted like an immigrant dad outlets—coming again with solely probably the most fundamental attainable model of what they wanted.
What has all the time sucked:
The Seahawks have actually by no means performed in a traditional sport.
— Kevin Clark (@bykevinclark) November 12, 2019
I’m so fucking sick of this tweet and all it represents. Since 2012, Seattle has had eight seasons with not less than 10 wins. In that point, they’ve solely had one dropping season, and even in that yr they gained seven video games. All of that is to say for greater than a decade now the Seahawks have been fairly constantly good, and at occasions even nice, till coming again all the way down to earth the final couple years to nonetheless over .500.
However are their followers regular about it? No!
They should faux prefer it’s such a BURDEN to observe a Seahawks sport. These rain-soaked losers pound the RT button on a years-old tweet each Sunday as a result of the Seahawks are inside seven factors of their opponent within the fourth quarter of a soccer sport. Oh, your workforce that’s been actually good for many of this century and wins as a rule had one thing flukey occur to them in an NFL sport? Did you agonize over watching your workforce win? Ought to we throw slightly social gathering? Ought to we invite Bella Hadid?
What an insult to the precise struggling fan bases. I’m so sick of each single on-line NFL fan attempting to latch on to no matter they will to faux watching their workforce is such a depressing expertise. You wish to speak about battle? I as soon as watched a Miami Dolphins workforce quarterbacked by a actually retired Jay Cutler coached by Adam Gase. And but Seahawks followers have the fucking gall to faux that they’re on some distinctive emotional rollercoaster each week. Even when I’m prepared to confess that the Tremendous Bowl 49 loss was brutal (however goddamn was it additionally hilarious), that was nonetheless the second straight yr the Seahawks made the Tremendous Bowl. And so they’ve been within the playoffs six occasions since. Seattle followers—you aren’t fascinating. Get off depressing fan Twitter. You haven’t spent a single rattling second within the trenches.
Additionally, Seattle’s greatest superstar backers are Dwight from The Workplace, Dave Matthews, and Mina Kimes. Any one who loves these three folks is somebody you desperately keep away from in any social setting. Hey man, wanna seize some beers this week? We will take heed to Large Whiskey & the GrooGrux King and possibly watch some NFL Dwell or The Workplace reruns. Feels like one thing Mike Macdonald says within the break room to his horrified co-workers at Bellevue Honda.
What won’t suck: When Geno Smith stated, “They wrote me off, I ain’t write back though,” I used to be Meryl Streep pointing.gif at my tv. I’m rooting for him. And I’ve seen Dave Matthews in live performance not less than a dozen occasions.
HEAR IT FROM SEAHAWKS FANS!
Kelly:
It is over, is not it? We can be eating out on that one Tremendous Bowl till the 9.0 earthquake takes out the entire Pacific Northwest.
Alex:
The final notable D-line man we drafted extremely injured himself on an ATV earlier than he performed a down for the Seahawks, so I can’t wait to see what befalls Byron Murphy after he in some way fell to us this yr. He’s already nearly gotten blackmailed and extorted so the sky’s the restrict!
Our fanbase is 99% “front-facing camera + Oakleys + front seat of an F-150 profile pic” morons from Lakewood who insist that we’ve got to maneuver on from Geno Smith as a result of he “lacks pocket presence” which is Seattle suburbs for “isn’t white.” Ditto DK Metcalf every time he will get a 15 yard trash speaking penalty amidst one other 100+ yard sport of bodying DBs and insane catches, and these morons are all satisfied we should always commerce him for picks as a result of he’s “costing the team.”
Mike Macdonald appears to be like like he doesn’t re-rack his weights after he’s finished bench urgent and ideas 5% on the bar. I’m SO fucking excited for him. Fuck me with a Russell Wilson move on the 1 yard line.
I can’t consider I’m gonna spend the following a number of seasons lacking our former “defensive expert” head coach who coached an asshole-bottom of the league protection for the second half of his tenure as soon as his roster of Corridor of Famers received bored of Will Ferrell cameos throughout Zoom conferences.
I needed this e-mail to be a brief one however there are such a lot of dumb, annoying, silly little issues about this workforce that I couldn’t assist myself. Who even cares anymore.
Tai:
I had Najee Harris on fantasy workforce final yr and watched as his 35 yards and 0 touchdowns per sport led my workforce to a useless final end. Quick ahead to the Seahawks final sport of the yr towards Pittsburgh. I used to be on the sport and watched as Najee Harris ran all around the Seahawks protection in a stadium half crammed with Yinzers (who had been surprisingly very nice). A good friend from again east who’s from Pittsburgh texts me to say, “At least Najee probably won you your fantasy league.” I actually needed to punch myself.
Joey:
Pete Carrol is not only probably the most profitable Seahawks Coach, he is the perfect coach of any workforce I’ve rooted for in my 37 years – Seahawks, Blazers, Oregon State, Mariners – and I used to be GLAD to see him taken to a farm upstate.
Half of the fanbase thinks they need to win the division yearly, and blames every little thing on Geno. The opposite half thinks our roster is crammed with CFL forged offs, and the one likelihood to compete is to commerce our subsequent 15 first rounders to choose whoever subsequent yr’s model of Drake Maye is, on the 5% likelihood they turn into the ‘subsequent Mahomes’.
Nobody likes this workforce. Devon Whiterspoon is the slot nook model of Bob Sanders – and goes to overlook not less than 12 video games a season the remainder of his profession. Tyler Lockett is Imhotep earlier than he consumes any of the jars. I’m nonetheless mad about Steve Hutchinson.
Jeff:
Yearly one in every of these submissions will invariably state that the worst individual to observe an NFL sport with is one other Seahawks fan. Should you watch a sport with my brother within the room and the opposing workforce at any level takes the lead, even when its the opening drive, he’ll with out fail throw his palms up within the air with full indignation, declare the sport to be over and stomp off. Even when they’re up by double digits within the 4th quarter he’ll refuse to return again. What Im saying is that the aforementioned assertion is totally correct.
Jay:
Mike Macdonald painting over the murals of the (solely) cool moments in Seahawks historical past is unintentionally a reasonably good metaphor for the way the remainder of the league views this franchise: generic, forgettable, could or could not have even occurred.
Submissions for the NFL previews are actually closed. Subsequent up: Jacksonville Jaguars.