Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Los Angeles Rams
Some individuals are followers of the Los Angeles Rams. However many, many extra individuals are NOT followers of the Los Angeles Rams. This 2024 Defector NFL crew preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews thus far right here.
Your crew: Los Angeles Rams.
Designed by my youngsters!
Fucking Taylor Swift-ass schedule announcement.
Your 2023 report: 10-7. Nonetheless hungover from fucking and sucking all these picks two years in the past, the 2023 Rams obtained off to a 3-6 begin. The sort of uninspiring stretch that had distant observers like me hoping their head coach would stop on the spot in November to turn out to be the everlasting third wheel of the Manningcast. In that first half of the season, the Rams have been crushed by a hobbled Joe Burrow, couldn’t muster a rating within the second half towards Philly, blew a 17-10 result in the vaunted offensive braintrust of Matt Canada and Kenny Pickett, managed a single area objective all sport lengthy in Inexperienced Bay, and obtained boatraced by Dak Prescott and the Cowboys.
Oh, and their sunk price of a QB threw eight TDs and 7 picks by way of that whole stretch. Carson Wentz would quickly be part of the festivities, which is one thing you by no means need occurring. To signal Carson Wentz is to wave a fantastic, royal white flag excessive within the air. It’s a message to the world that successful soccer video games is not of any curiosity to you.
However then the bye week got here, after which the Rams went on a 7-1 run that was inspiring to members of the Kroenke household and nobody else. There are some strings connected to that rally. Wouldn’t be a Kroenke affair if there weren’t. The one playoff crew the Rams beat in that stretch (discounting a ultimate week victory towards a 49ers crew that had nothing to play for) was Cleveland, which kinda doesn’t depend. They solely beat the Seahawks and Giants as a result of these groups’ kickers every biffed a game-winning area objective on the finish. And so they nonetheless had the worst particular groups in the whole league, which defined their lone defeat in the back half.
Fuck me, that was cool. Anyway, as a result of the NFC is about as aggressive as a Russian election, the Rams’ late surge was sufficient for a playoff spot and a visit to Detroit for the Spider-Man Meme Bowl. Lions QB Jared Goff accomplished each go he needed to finish in that sport, so it behooved Goff’s former crew to maintain the ball away from him. Too unhealthy LA’s Hank Scorpio of a head coach uncared for to comprehend this. Down by a single level with 4:15 left on the clock, and dealing with fourth-and-14 in Lions territory … the Rams punted. They fucking punted. Of us, it’s ever a good suggestion to punt the ball away late in a playoff sport? LET’S ASK THE MACHINES.
LAR determined to punt to DET from the DET 44 on 4th & 14 with 4:15 remaining within the 4th whereas shedding 23 to 24.
With a Give up Index of 29.05, this punt ranks on the 99.2nd percentile of cowardly punts of the 2023 season, and the 98th percentile of all punts since 1999.
— Give up Index 90 (@surrender_idx90) January 15, 2024
Los Angeles would by no means get the ball again after that. Detroit would advance to the NFC title sport, and should very nicely take up residence there for years to come back. Who’s the booger-eater who referred to as that goddamn punt?
Your coach: DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH…
Jevone Moore/Icon Sportswire by way of Getty Photographs
That’s Sean McVay, who was pure class after gifting a Wild Card victory to his previous protégé. For the desried impact, please think about Adele singing the following quote as you stare longingly out of your bed room window on a wet day:
Jared was actually environment friendly. You could possibly see the command that he has. There’s so much manufactured from it, however I am actually pleased for him. We needed to come back away with a win, however he is finished a fantastic job.
Sean is pleased for you, Jared. You may have your individual life now, and Sean is simply (gritting his tooth till they spark) thrilled that you simply’ve discovered true happiness. Why, he simply drank a deal with of Beam the opposite evening to rejoice your newfound fortune! Coaches like Sean McVay don’t even know what happiness is. The idea of it needs to be defined to them by way of in depth movie breakdowns of childhood birthday events.
Over on protection, Raheem Morris left his coordinator publish to educate the Falcons. His alternative is Chris Shula. That’s proper: now we have a wholly new era of Shula failsons to cope with. This one appears to be like like Don Shula’s headshot getting run by way of a Xerox machine 56 instances:
Sean McVay is the grandson of NFL royalty. Chris Shula can be the grandson of NFL royalty. And proprietor Stan Kroenke is married into the Walmart fortune. Has anybody who works for this group ever EARNED something? All of those folks have been born on the fucking objective line. It’s like cheering for the Bush dynasty at this level.
Your quarterback: Matthew Stafford, who’ll man the helm right here till he loses extra extremities than a leprosy sufferer. Stafford obtained his contract reworked this offseason, however the Rams are solely on the hook for $15M of it come 2025. Did they draft a QB this spring to arrange a succession plan? They certain didn’t! No, as a substitute they introduced in former gentle nemesis Jimmy Garoppolo, who obtained so bored accumulating uncommon accidents that he determined to get suspended for PEDs to begin this season as a substitute. Behind Jimmy G is second-year man Stetson Bennett, who seems to nonetheless be ingesting:
Kelly Stafford is simply one other white woman.
What’s new that sucks: No extra Aaron Donald. The best defensive deal with in league historical past retired this offseason, so the Rams drafted half the Florida State defensive entrance (EDGE Jared Verse, DT Braden Fiske) to assist make up the distinction. Additionally they dipped into free company to seize CB Darious Williams, S Kamren Curl, and former Payments standout CB Tre’Davious White. White has missed two dozen video games prior to now two seasons alone, and Curl’s Commanders, by no small margin, had the worst go protection within the league a 12 months in the past. Good factor the Rams’ division isn’t flush with top-tier wideouts like Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk, D.Ok. Metcalf, Tyler Lockett, and Marvin Harrison Jr. In any other case they’d be fucked with surfboard!
Over on offense, the Rams beefed up their inside line by signing G Jonah Jackson away from Detroit to pair with mauler Kevin Dotson on the opposite aspect. Then they drafted bellcow Michigan RB Blake Corum to hitch Kyren Williams within the backfield. That is now a run-first offense presided over by a head coach who fucking hates working the ball. Consider all of the punts that McSchottenheimer can name late in video games now! And all the display passes that he’ll by no means name (no crew threw to its backs lower than the Rams a 12 months in the past)! Gaze in huge surprise at a wideout corps that consists of an ageing Cooper Kupp, Puka Nacua, and half a pack of cigarettes! Drop your pants and fly your boner flag excessive as you watch outsized free agent TE Colby Parkinson get in a number of chip blocks! This offense is about to ship out extra combined indicators than your seventh-grade crush.
And if you happen to assume that final 12 months’s playoff run was a certain indicator that these Rams are on the rise, let’s have Bryan Knowles of the FTN Almanac throw some chilly water on that notion:
The Rams, together with the Packers and Giants, joined an inventory of 31 groups since 2010 who noticed their offensive DVOA bounce by no less than 20% over the again half of the season—groups that completed the 12 months sizzling and regarded to proceed that momentum into the subsequent season. Most met with disappointment. These earlier 28 groups noticed their offensive DVOAs drop a mean of three.5% the subsequent season.
Sure, however did any of these different fluke groups make use of Paul Brown’s uncle’s brother’s nephew’s former roommate? I. Don’t. Assume. So.
The brand new kicker is dogshit.
Joshua Karty 2-for-5 right now on area objectives.
— Eric Williams (@eric_d_williams) August 8, 2024
What has all the time sucked: We at Defector have bashed Silicon Valley CEOs and satan traders to the purpose of exhaustion. All of the whereas, the C-suite bros of SoCal have grown legion. All of them look like Sean McVay, however possess 0.00001 % of his attraction and 0 % of his utility. Let’s meet a couple of of them. How about Javier Ferreira of Scopely, who turns your favourite board video games (Monopoly) into your least favourite cell video games (Monopoly GO)? Or Daniel Seah, whose Digital Area is breaking new floor on the planet of dogshit VFX in motion pictures? Or Will Ferrell character Aurelian Lis, who runs a subsidiary of Unilever Status (sure, that’s its actual identify) and appears like this?
Ashley! Schaeffer! BMW! Ashley! Schaeffer! BMW! Ashley! Schaeffer! BMW! (Photograph by way of LinkedIn)
With each film studio thus far in hawk that their CEOs must eat Batgirl for sustenance, these are the folks poised to take over Hollywood this century and past. All of them run slipshod outfits, have opinions about private well being that make Aaron Rodgers sound like a board licensed virologist, and would be the solely individuals who reap a revenue from the 2028 Olympics. When they need a big espresso, they order it, “at scale.” I really like L.A. like a second residence, however I’ll shed zero tears if the Pacific consumes it solely and takes Unilever Status with it.
SoFi remains to be too rattling distant and the general public transit there sucks. Kobe Bryant was a rapist.
What may not suck: I noticed a tweet that stated sixth-round WR Jordan Whittington has Nacua potential. As you already know, all tweets are legally binding. Elon instructed me so.
HEAR IT FROM RAMS FANS!
Mike:
Stan Kroenke is to mustaches what Jerry Jones is to Civil Rights.
Matthew:
Our projected working again duo is so damage inclined that I am already getting ready myself for lots of Boston Scott working it up the intestine for one yard. Drake Stoops shouldn’t be going to be the subsequent Cooper Kupp, everybody wants to sit back out with that. The ghost of Tre’Davious White goes to be so underwhelming. And this crew goes to be in deep shit when McVay leaves. We’ll let him do the Aaron Rodgers dance for so long as he desires to, even when it is a torture chamber for the remainder of us.
Fuck SoFi Stadium’s inflated meals & beverage costs with a cheeseburger sub.
Mike:
I used to be out on the golf course and ran into a man whose driver had a Rams headcover. I needed to speak with him in regards to the crew, however he instructed me that the one purpose he had the pinnacle cowl was as a result of if he misplaced it out on the course, no person was going to swipe it.
If there’s any query about how dedicated to Los Angeles the Rams are, each participant I comply with on social media took on Drake’s aspect within the Kendrick Lamar beef.
Jonathan:
Aaron Donald’s gone. Fuck.
Since shifting to Los Angeles, the Rams have a 4-12 common season report towards the 49ers, and that is together with a rubbish time B-team victory underneath Captain Tacticool. GM Les Snead thought he pulled a quick one this offseason by signing Jimmy Hotlips. Les’ concept mistakenly presupposed that Jimmy studied and retained the Niners’ playbook. Joke’s on Les although. If hooked as much as an EEG, Jimmy’s brainwaves would emit the flatline tone of a dying piccolo.
However hey allegedly Stetson Bennett is out of rehab.
Lisa:
I bear in mind when our WR pinnacle was Sammy Watkins and Brandin Cooks. The post-Todd Gurley working again room has included luminous stars resembling Malcolm Brown, Cam Akers, and Darrell Henderson, working behind an o-line of Whitworth, Havenstein, and three balloon animals.
Josh:
No person likes the Rams. And I do not imply that within the typical, “The Rams have no fans” approach. I imply that soccer followers genuinely don’t have any purpose to look at them. They curiosity no person. None of their gamers have celeb standing regardless of being in fucking LA. Their one attention-grabbing narrative was the All-In Team of 2021. After that, nobody gave a shit.
Fuck Kerby Joseph and his BountyGate-Saints-Period Head Coach.
Submissions for the NFL previews are actually closed. Subsequent up: Pittsburgh Steelers.