Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Indianapolis Colts
Some individuals are followers of the Indianapolis Colts. However many, many extra individuals are NOT followers of the Indianapolis Colts. This 2024 Defector NFL group preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews to this point right here.
Your group: Indianapolis Colts. Ever marvel what would occur if Hunter Biden owned a soccer group? Properly, let me introduce you to this man:
“But as Barb Dillon tells us, the antlers are blowing in the whip.” (Justin Casterline/Getty Pictures)
Not lifeless but, however getting shut!
Your 2023 file: 9-8. It’s not potential to prime a season the place the putrefaction of Matt Ryan happens in actual time on the sphere and your proprietor hires a TV man as head coach midseason as a result of the ghost Janis Joplin informed him to. So the Colts didn’t hassle to strive. As a substitute, they used the 2023 offseason to rent an precise coach and draft an precise quarterback, after which had the form of middling season that each AFC South group could be counted on to ship on a near-annual foundation. Comedy was missing in Indianapolis a season in the past, however I’m gonna shit on them anyway. I’ll sit on this right here bathroom for so long as I have to for it to occur.
[sprinkles Miralax into a bowl of three-bean chili]
This group solely stayed in rivalry from wire to wire due to decidedly AFC South causes. They froze out their finest offensive participant till lastly giving him a contract extension in September, then watched him get harm and never prime the 100-yard mark in a recreation till Week 18. Their attain of a rookie QB performed dazzling soccer for 4 video games earlier than hurting himself in 9 completely different locations. They let the Jags break a five-game dropping streak in Indy towards them. They misplaced in sudden dying to the Rams on a Puka Nacua catch-and-run. They busted out their particular Lou Gramm uniforms at residence and proceeded to blow the following recreation towards Cleveland because of a game-winning landing drive led by … (checks notes) … P.J. Walker? Actually? Isn’t P.J. Walker a toddler detective of some type? He’s not an NFL quarterback. Come on now.
Extra. The Colts bought crushed by each Jake Browning and Taylor Heinicke. Their freshly prolonged kicker was about as correct because the Apple Climate app. They bought crushed so badly by New Orleans that sorry-ass Derek Carr gleefully exclaimed, “Gosh, it feels good to smile,” afterward. All of that occurred (you didn’t watch it), and but these bozos nonetheless had an opportunity to win the division in a winner-take-all showdown with CJ Stroud and the Texans within the last recreation of the NFL common season. That is what happened there. It’s no 33-0, however I’ll nonetheless take it. You guys bear in mind 33-0? I do. Gosh, it DOES really feel good to smile!
Your coach: The frustratingly competent Shane Steichen. There’s little or no to make enjoyable of right here, save for the truth that this man seems to be like what would occur if Nick Foles and Kyle Shanahan made a child.
“Gawrsh!”
Steichen bought some gentle Coach of the 12 months run after coaxing a (loud snickering) Professional Bowl season out of backup QB Gardner Minshew after his starter bought harm. Then once more, lots of people thought Frank Reich was a stable coach earlier than the home burned down round him. So I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that this all goes to shit by October in order that Jim Irsay will zoot a line of Adderall and ask Bono to take cost of this group. The enjoyable factor about Jim Irsay is that such a factor has a genuinely lifelike probability of occurring.
Your OC for the second straight 12 months is Jim Bob Cooter. I point out that solely in order that I can kind the title Jim Bob Cooter. By no means will get outdated. (Butthead voice) Hehehehe… Cooter.
Your quarterback: Anthony Richardson, who went from probably the most polarizing QB within the 2023 draft to the Subsequent Josh Allen prefer it was nothing in any respect. However then he bought harm and ended up solely enjoying for a single month. And earlier than you inform me that Richardson will hold it collectively for his sophomore 12 months, let’s bear in mind what this group does to its franchise quarterbacks. Peyton Manning left right here with a beehive rising out of his neck. Andrew Luck stop on the spot after realizing that he didn’t get pleasure from getting hit 600 occasions a season. Richardson has already assumed the late-career trajectory of each of these males, which implies that his ascension can be stillborn. Till Bono takes the headset. As soon as that occurs, THESE COOOOOOLTS… WILL HAVE FOUND… WHAT THEY’RE LOOKING FORRRRRR… Sing it with me, Indy!
Your new backup is Joe Flacco, who’ll lead you on a playoff quest much more uninspiring than the one Minshew simply staged.
What’s new that sucks: Not a goddamn factor. Regardless of being flush with cap house this offseason, GM Chris Ballard checked out this shabby roster and mentioned to himself, Yep, this’ll do. The Colts have been a bottom-10 protection a 12 months in the past, and but they nonetheless couldn’t be bothered to signal any viable corners or cross rushers to assist the trigger. With their No. 15 total decide within the first spherical, they drafted EDGE Laiatu Latu out of UCLA. Latu began out his profession at Washington, the place he was pressured to retire from soccer in 2021 as a consequence of nerve damage in his neck. Whoa hey, did somebody say “terrifying neck injury?” Kinda feels like another guy who once played here!
Latu and his peanut-brittle backbone can be counted on single-handedly remodel this protection from dangerous to “not that embarrassing.” To assist him within the job, Ballard dished out fats contract extensions to DT DeForest Buckner and LB Zaire Franklin. Does that sound like sufficient backwork to you, particularly now that Shaq Leonard is gone? Or does it sound like several display screen cross thrown towards this protection remains to be a home name ready to occur? If it’s the latter, you’re not, like, opening your minnnnddddd, mannnnn. Why don’t you and I head out into the desert and drink this particular tea I brewed? You’ll see blitz packages you by no means thought you’d see, plus the ghost of Jackie Gleason!
Over on offense, Irsay gave stud RB Jonathan Taylor a contract extension simply as Taylor is starting to collapse, after which he threw $46 million assured at Michael Pittman Jr., who’s the Michael Pittman Sr. of huge receivers. I’m purported to consider that Lil’ Pittman is an elite pass-catcher who hasn’t reached his potential due to Indy’s QB state of affairs, however I don’t. I consider {that a} man who averages lower than 1,000 yards and three TDs a season is … properly, a man who averages lower than 1,000 yards and three TDs a season. I don’t give a fuck if God himself is behind heart for this offense, he’s gonna want a greater weapon than this popgun.
A greater group, too. This present Colts group is a wierd amalgam of promising younger expertise—Latu, Richardson, WR Josh Downs—and an getting old core that by no means lived as much as its potential through the Reich administration. And now you need me to jot down these guys down as a playoff group? With C.J. Stroud within the division? I’d moderately put my cash on Irsay dwelling one other decade.
Downs is already harm. Ryan Kelly and Quenton Nelson are blocking on fumes. The one motive to look at this group proper now’s to see how bizarre Irsay seems to be in any given shot. Put him subsequent to Ballard and it’s like watching a David Cronenberg film.
What has at all times sucked: Colts Nation, I blame YOU for the Pat McAfee phenomenon:
I’m 47 years outdated. I do know what afternoon drivetime radio from 2002 seems to be and feels like. And people, this may of Axe physique spray embodies that period proper right down to the unflattering tank prime. I really feel extra enlightened after watching Trump communicate for 45 minutes about how shut he was to fucking Kathie Lee Gifford than I do watching ESPN’s $17 million man. To tune into Pat McAfee is to look at a former punter—who retired from the NFL to affix Barstool—make derpfaces on the digital camera after which ask his buddy Gordo if it is regular for WNBA gamers to shoot three-pointers. I hope Pat’s grundle explodes and he has to spend the remainder of his days pissing right into a bag.
Mike Pence saved democracy on Jan. 6, 2021 and I’d nonetheless punch him sq. within the throat if I ever laid eyes on him.
What won’t suck: Richardson can throw the ball 500 miles and seeks out contact like a drunken 22-year-old ultimately name. I like him to items. We should always break into Colts HQ and rescue him. Perhaps get him over to the Rams. Some place else. Anythe place else. As a result of that is an Indianapolis franchise that requires an intervention of some type each day.
HEAR IT FROM COLTS FANS!
Tyler:
Our proprietor is mainly want.com Bob Seger.
Will:
Regardless of having fewer working mind cells than a member of the Pleased Mondays, Irsay remains to be extra able to developing a roster than Chris Ballard.
Matt:
Anthony Richardson is an athletic freak, which implies his knee will evaporate right into a noble fuel by 12 months three and we’ll be perusing the marketplace for the subsequent Matt Ryan whereas Irsay spoons a $100,000,000 guitar performed by Robert Johnson.
Chris:
As somebody born and raised a Hoosier, I am unable to consider milk-toast is not our state dish.
Brad:
There’s no approach Joe Flacco goes to convey the mandatory replacement-level Joe Filth power to the QB2 slot for this group.
Seth & Eric:
For the second time in 4 years, the Colts drafted an injured cross rusher (2024: Laiatu Latu; 2021: Dayo Odeyingbo). At any time when you might have two probabilities to take a man who medically should not go grocery purchasing, it’s a must to do it once more.
No less than JD Vance will not stroll out of any residence video games this 12 months.
Bryan:
There are extra Trump flags in my city than there are folks.
Dan:
How within the fuck does Chris Ballard hold his motherfucking job? The person’s complexion is an unhealthy shade of pink and he seems to be like he’s holding in a shit always.
Final 12 months my son was identified with Autism and for the primary time in my life I did not care about soccer or the fucking Colts. I did not watch a recreation and did the whole lot I might to assist with my toddler’s growth. The extent of pleasure watching my son study and develop towards the percentages has introduced me happiness that the Colts by no means might. I might give a fuck about this group and their Orca killing proprietor. Now I spend Sundays with my spouse and son whereas we chuckle and play, as an alternative of seething on the TV or watching a demented proprietor hijack postgame speeches on what clearly has been a tough day with alcohol and medicines. Life with out this group is healthier.
Max:
I hope Mitch Daniels fucks Mike Pence when Mom is not watching.
Scott:
The Colts have top-of-the-line working video games within the NFL, and play in a division that is at all times up for grabs, and nonetheless at all times piss it away. Jonathan Taylor is the Andrew Luck of working backs, and Andrew Richardson would be the subsequent Andrew Luck of QBs.
In 2023, they simply needed to beat Houston to make the playoffs. There was a gap the place the Texans missed an additional level. The Colts have been driving. 9 Taylor rushes, two Minshew completions, and a penalty. It was 4th-and-1 on the 15 with 1:06 to go. Colts timeout. That they had two left. One other Taylor run? Nope. Ailing-advised swing cross to the third string RB who dropped it.
I dwell in Washington State. For years, my spouse and I have been sore about Pete Carroll not working Marshawn Lynch towards the Patriots within the Tremendous Bowl. This? This was worse. This was worse than Carson Wentz towards Jacksonville in January 2022 in one other should win recreation. This was worse than two 1-15 seasons. This was worse than the teaching profession of Frank Kush. This was worse than Jeff George’s Colts profession, Curtis Painter’s Sunday Night time Soccer recreation towards the Saints, or that horrible pretend punt towards the Patriots.
My gosh.
Sean:
Hank Baskett nonetheless has the capability to damage my day, and I have not even watched a non-playoff Colts recreation in most likely 5 years.
Go Pacers.
Stuart:
In 2022, I bought robbed at a lodge I used to be staying in whereas my house’s roof was getting fastened. They stole the whole lot that I had, leaving solely my bag, my toothbrush, and my Indianapolis Colts jersey. Yep, even thieves did not need my Colts jersey.
Dave:
It’s jarring that I haven’t seen a Colts brand on a constructing, bumper sticker, flag this entire summer season. It’s all Fever, particularly Caitlin, on a regular basis. It’s like the opposite groups disappeared into the smog round 465.
Tyler:
Fuck Jim Irsay with Eric Clapton’s The Idiot. Additionally, fuck Eric Clapton.
Submissions for the NFL previews are actually closed. Subsequent up: Seattle Seahawks.