Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Detroit Lions
Some individuals are followers of the Detroit Lions. However many, many extra individuals are NOT followers of the Detroit Lions. This 2024 Defector NFL staff preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews to this point right here.
Your staff: 24-7.
The Lions (+7.5) are in management as we head into halftime of the NFCCG
They’re presently -550 to hitch the Chiefs within the Tremendous Bowl
DET First Half ML +210
Over 29.5 First Half Factors pic.twitter.com/EFFA0z5a7V— ESPN BET (@ESPNBET) January 29, 2024
Your 2023 document: 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-724-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-724-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7 24-7.
Sorry. I’ve gotten forward of myself. I’ve been engaged on these previews… 24/7… so do forgive me.
Now, these are the Detroit Lions, who I’m previewing a lot later than traditional. It’s because they made the NFC title recreation final yr. What occurred? How did they get there? Did all the different groups within the NFL die final yr? No, however the NFC was absolute dogshit. So kudos to the Lions for navigating a 50-percent useful NFL to stage essentially the most profitable season of their fashionable historical past. They beat the defending champs in KC within the first recreation of the season, after which went on to win the NFC North in a stroll at 12-5. True, they solely beat two extra profitable groups after that Week 1 Bowl victory, however these are the Lions. All the things is relative.
Now for the lowlights. The Lions nailed a subject objective on the gun to pressure OT in Seattle, after which misplaced on a Tyler Lockett walkoff TD in time beyond regulation anyway. They obtained crushed by each the Ravens (comprehensible) and the Bears (the fuck?). And Jordan Love staged his popping out social gathering in opposition to them in Detroit on Thanksgiving Day, which signifies that the Lions’ “championship window” (shhh I’m attempting to be type right here) had shrunk right down to the scale of a coaster. Their meatball of a head coach went for 2 on the gun to beat Dallas in Dallas, however ended up outsmarting himself (not laborious), and getting pinched for allegedly not reporting OT Taylor Decker as an eligible receiver.
However the Lions coasted into the playoffs regardless of all of these fuckups. As soon as there, they snuck by their outdated QB, Matthew Stafford, for his or her first playoff victory since 1991. Then they beat Tampa within the divisional spherical earlier than going to Santa Clara for the NFC title recreation. There, the Lions took a 24-7 halftime lead in opposition to the Niners, and it didn’t really feel fluky within the least. We’re speaking about Detroit posting 148 yards speeding in that half alone, with three totally different gamers operating for a rating inside that timeframe. The Lions have been the higher staff. They have been pushing the massive dangerous Niners round at will, they usually have been gonna go to the Tremendous Bowl for the primary time of their historical past. Their followers believed, they usually have been proper to. All of the Lions needed to do was maintain onto that 24-7 lead.
(my voice begins fading, as in case you are waking from a dream)
A 24-7 lead…
A 24-7 lead…
A 24-7 lead…
Guess what number of occasions the Lions ran the ball within the second half. Go on, guess. Should you mentioned, “20,” no. You’re WAY off. Fuck’s improper with you? You assume I’d ask you that query if the Lions had really carried out a sensible factor? Please. Lions coaches noticed their males trample San Francisco for the opening half-hour after which determined they solely wanted to run the ball seven extra occasions the entire recreation. They didn’t even run the ball on their two fourth-down makes an attempt in that half (each makes an attempt would fail). Needless to say Kyle Shanahan was on the OTHER sideline for this recreation. Wow. Shit. Butt.
By the tip of the third quarter, Detroit’s lead was gone. By the tip of the sport, the roar was again in storage. No Tremendous Bowl for you. No Tremendous Bowl ever. Why? Effectively, let’s ask the whistle-twirler accountable for this joint.
Your coach: Dan Campbell, seen right here behind his Lectern of Powerness:
I hope that lectern will get greater with every successive press convention, till they will accommodate a whole freezer aisle beneath it. Campbell crying his eyes out after a tricky loss whereas pulling out a Steak-Umm from beneath and gnawing on it whereas it’s nonetheless frozen.
Dan Campbell is 5 years away from being the dumbest member of the NFL At present studio crew. However for now, he’s the best Lions head coach of my lifetime, which is such a low bar for excellence that you’ll want to borrow a submersible from James Cameron to seek out it. Tesla’s compliance division has a richer legacy than this group. Regardless, I need to now imagine that there’s one thing particular brewing with this teaching employees, largely as a result of offensive coordinator Ben Johnson determined to stay round somewhat than coach the dumbest staff within the NFC East. Will Dan & Ben name extra tackle-eligible performs on the objective line this season? Child, that’s gonna be the ONLY play they run there. That’s how particular the specialness brewing right here is.
Your defensive coordinator continues to be Aaron Glenn, who stands as dwelling proof that being adored by your gamers means nothing.
Your quarterback: Jared Goff, who simply obtained $170 million assured from Detroit as a reward for being surprisingly competent. Goff nonetheless obtained outplayed by Lil’ Brock Purdy within the NFC title recreation, and the subsequent cross he completes beneath stress will likely be his first. You understand how “point guard” has changed “game manager” because the go-to euphemism for a competent-but-not-special QB? Effectively, Jared Goff is the very best rattling level guard QB within the league proper now. Consider all of the Tremendous Bowls you guys can virtually win with this man, after which inform me he’s not value it. You possibly can’t!
Behind Goff is Hendon Hooker. He isn’t some extent guard. He is a flooring sweeper.
What’s new that sucks: GM Brad Holmes, seen here being happy with his lectern, wasted no time this offseason. He locked up Goff, OT Penei Sewell, and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown with fats extensions, preserving Detroit’s offensive core intact for years to come back. That is the very best GM you guys have ever had. Once more with the low bar.
The issue for Holmes is the WR group previous St. Brown is now extra dire than native financial circumstances. Your WR2 is both Jameson Williams, who has an terrible lot of Tavon Austin in him for my style, or Kalif Raymond, who’s a fantastic WR4. Previous these two is … effectively, I assume you guys are gonna have to start out throwing extra display passes than you probably did a yr in the past. RB Jahmyr Gibbs will run for 900 showy yards, and coloration guys will fawn over him like he’s the second coming of Marshall Faulk. He’ll then get six complete carries as soon as the postseason begins. Second-year revelation TE Sam LaPorta simply recovered from a sore hammy, which suggests he’ll re-injure that hammy in about three weeks.
However the massive story in Detroit this offseason was Detroit going all out to repair a cross protection that proved to be this staff’s weak spot late in 2023. The Lions rebuilt their secondary by buying and selling for Bucs CB Carlton Davis, after which went with corners back-to-back within the first two rounds of the draft, with Terrion Arnold arriving from Bama and Ennis Rakestraw Jr. coming from Missouri. “Ennis Rakestraw Jr.” sounds just like the title of one of many killers of the flower moon. Detroit additionally signed pass-rushing DT D.J. Reader to assist with a perennially undermanned cross rush, together with EDGE Marcus Davenport, who’s solely wholesome sufficient to play when Venus is in transit. Glenn will nonetheless want (need) to name 0 blitzes in key moments to have any hope of getting opposing QBs on the turf. Aidan Hutchinson continues to be just one man, in any case.
Guard Jonah Jackson skipped city to play for the Rams, and will likely be changed by an getting old Kevin Zeitler. Good factor you guys have a QB who can deal with inside stress with only a shake of the hips!
Kerby Joseph is soiled as shit.
What has all the time sucked: Detroit stays the one NFL staff to play each season of the Tremendous Bowl period with out ever reaching the Tremendous Bowl. Had Jerome Bettis by no means existed, I’m undecided that anybody on this metropolis would know what the Tremendous Bowl even was.
Nevertheless, due to Holmes and Campbell, this group lastly has its shit collectively, a lot in order that solely three different groups have higher odds in Vegas to win the Tremendous Bowl this yr. That is your time, Detroit. And it’s gonna should be, as a result of the payments will come due beginning in 2026. After that, you fuckers must ask the federal authorities for a bailout. Typical Michigan bullshit.
Did I point out that Michigan is canned ass? Each time an election rolls round, or Toyota reviews document gross sales numbers, I gotta hear about how necessary Michigan is to this nation. Fuck that. I don’t care if Michigan breaks off from the American mainland and will get reduce in half by an ice breaker. Let it drown. This staff was by no means value a shit, and any state that should declare Eminem as an elder statesman has been culturally deceased for 20 years anyway. American automobiles are about pretty much as good as American beer. 24-7.
What may not suck: Fairly positive I’m gonna decide this staff to win the NFC. Take that data the way you see match.
HEAR IT FROM LIONS FANS!
Doug:
That was it. This was not the beginning of one thing; that was the possibility. This staff is as loaded because it’s ever been and I’ll eat my hat in the event that they even make the NFCCG once more with this core. I hope I’m improper, however I’d wager virtually each Lions fan agrees with me even when they gained’t admit it.
Tim:
There goes my mantle of victimhood.
Travis:
It took possibly a month for us to change into essentially the most annoying fanbase on-line.
Jon:
The insanely corny “Jared Goff” chants carried over into Purple Wings house video games and made me wish to kill myself.
Derek:
That is the right season for the Lions to carry out the best rug pull in historical past on their followers and return to their regular Lionsdom.
Patrick:
Scripting this drunk from the seashore. The Lions had Kindle Vidor protecting Brandon Aiyuk on a deep ball in the course of the single most necessary play within the historical past of the franchise.
Andrew:
I dumped my automotive in a drainage ditch leaving a good friend’s home after the NFC title recreation. It was snowing. The AAA dispatcher consoled me for the loss with out prompting. The tow truck driver informed me he cried. I obtained house after 1AM. If this yr goes poorly, I’ve zero doubt that this expertise will without end be the height second of my Lions fandom.
Mike:
I watched Dan Campbell hit on 24 in opposition to the Niners and remembered why I don’t root for a professional soccer staff.
Lee:
The one different time the Lions made the NFC championship recreation, they completed final within the division the subsequent season and didn’t one other playoff recreation for 30 years.
Greg:
They will win the Tremendous Bowl in 2090. I will be 109. A minimum of they will be rising oranges in Detroit by then.
Hit Bull Win Steak:
Sixteen-year-old me in 1991, watching the Lions get annihilated by Washington within the NFC Championship Sport: “What a great season. They’ll be back next year and will be a great team for years to come.”
My 16-year-old daughter final yr, watching the Lions shit away a 17-point result in the Niners within the NFC Championship: “They had a really great year. They’re good now and will go all the way next season.”
Time is a flat circle.
Anon:
Dan Campbell is Jerry Glanville with worse hair.
Robert:
Each glimmer of hope is simply one other freight prepare coming into the tunnel.
Tim:
I’m scripting this at roughly 10:00 PM Jap time on January 28, 2024. The Lions have simply been eradicated from the NFC Championship recreation 34-31, in a recreation that by no means felt shut at any level. And but I nonetheless pulled a Lloyd Christmas and believed that the Lions – the fucking LIONS! – had a shot at a trophy. In fact they did not. They by no means may. They all the time have been and all the time would be the Lions. Successful the primary half of a recreation by 17 factors after which permitting a weak opponent to attain 27 straight to seal the deal is precisely the best way this season was all the time meant to finish. That Kyle Shanahan was main the opposition is insult to damage.
Fuck. FUCK!
Joe:
We knew this previous Thanksgiving could be our final one on the Michigan house I grew up in, as a result of my mother’s dementia had progressed sufficient that she would not be capable to stay alone any longer. So I assumed, it is lastly time to go to the Thanksgiving recreation! I might by no means been, and may by no means have the possibility once more. Plus, the Lions have been legit this yr they usually have been enjoying the garbage-ass, post-Aaron Rodgers Inexperienced Bay Packers, who they already embarrassed at Lambeau. Let’s fucking gooooo!
Ken:
The excellent news is my vasectomy was profitable. The dangerous information is my three boys are nonetheless animals hellbent on destroying one another and every thing I maintain pricey in life. Identical to the Lions after they have excessive expectations.
Szymon:
Solely the Lions may have one good season of Jared Fucking Goff and assume, yeah, he ought to get most of our cap cash.
Everybody says they will be good this yr, that they are one in all a handful of legit Tremendous Bowl contenders. It is a ruse. All of it. No fucking method.
Todd:
In line with the Barry Sanders documentary, again within the 90s Joe Montana was thinking about enjoying for the Lions. Team administration mentioned, “Nah, why would we want a HOF quarterback when we already employ Scott Mitchell?”
Nate:
All I can consider is the 2017 Jacksonville Jaguars. A questionable quarterback having the very best yr of his life earlier than crashing again to earth? A powerful run recreation? Gritty throwback soccer? Test, verify, and verify. After that 2017 season, the Jaguars went straight again to the trash heap. There are simply too many causes that this Lions staff will fall from grace the very same method.
I am going to chant his title, however I believe I might somewhat see Joe Biden attempt to scramble from the pocket than Jared Goff. Jameson Williams is simply Darrius Heyward-Bey Offered By FanDuel.
Pete:
I’ve spent this offseason having to defend Jared Goff’s contract whereas everybody else within the division has drafted a possible generational quarterback. Really having expectations for this season is extra stress than I can deal with. I can not pay taxes, vote, and count on the Lions to do effectively on the identical time.
Sara:
I fret over each scrap of offseason information. I can not take pleasure in it. I can not look ahead to this season with actual hope. I do know what I am setting myself up for. I’ve seen Lucy pull the soccer away from Charlie Brown too many occasions to assume that we are going to be allowed to tug this off. I’ll watch my staff faceplant this yr, and I’ll pay Sunday Ticket the princely sum of $449.00 for the privilege.
Fuck Sunday Ticket. Fuck Brad Allen and the Cowboys. Fuck the moon (and the Packers). Somebody inform Kelly Stafford to close the fuck up about her faculty courting life.
(If we win the Tremendous Bowl, you can see me face down sobbing pent-up tears of pleasure into somebody’s front room rug. I’ve by no means needed something a lot in my total life, and I promise that I like my household very, very a lot. Jar-ed Goff! Jar-ed Goff!)
Dan:
Fuck Matt Millen, fuck Matt Patricia, fuck Bob Quinn and most of all fuck the refs who did not hear Taylor Decker report as eligible and fuck the NFL for protecting it up.
Ibis:
I would like you to think about my spent-his-whole-life-in-Detroit grandfather. He’s 98 years outdated. He can’t stroll, can’t bathe himself, recurrently falls, and recurrently shits himself. He eats plain rice and nothing else, takes like 12 tablets a day, and is depressed. I’m absolutely satisfied he would pay somebody to finish his life if he may. Each Christmas we get collectively as a household and rejoice him nonetheless being alive, and he appears to be like so fucking pissed about it.
In any case, it is a dude who has been a fan his total life. Look the place it has gotten him. In 2023 he had two strokes and three main falls. However he was hanging on because the Lions’ season continued. All of us form of hoped he would see the Lions win the entire thing then cross peacefully in his sleep that evening. About midway by the NFC Championship, I lastly began to imagine the Lions would launch him from their curse.
NOPE. The Lions fucking suck. Let my grandpa be at peace.
Matt:
I can not imagine I am right here. I’ve lived for 59 years. Greg Landry was my first favourite participant. I watched the lamentable Joe Reed sing the nationwide anthem earlier than a Thanksgiving Day recreation because the Lions slinked their technique to their annual 8-6 end. I watched, conservatively, 99% of Barry Sanders’ carries. I have been a fan so long as I can bear in mind, and I’ve the scars to show it.
We have had preseasons the place we have been media darlings, however I did not actually imagine them. This time, although? Perhaps. And right here I am going once more, setting myself as much as be sadder than unhappy. Once more.
We do not deserve the eye. Cease speaking about us, I am fucking BEGGING you.
Dan:
Lions followers: preserve consuming asses in parking heaps, attempt to forgive Matt Millen, and make sure you take pleasure in this Lions trip.
But additionally, fuck William Clay Ford sideways with a lunchbox.
Kiah:
I write this as my spouse is in labor with our first son, who’s destined to by no means see a Tremendous Bowl. Identical to me, my dad and mom, and their dad and mom earlier than them. Sorry, child.
Submissions for the NFL previews at the moment are closed. Subsequent up: Baltimore Ravens.