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Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Dallas Cowboys

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Some persons are followers of the Dallas Cowboys. However many, many extra persons are NOT followers of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2024 Defector NFL staff preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews up to now right here.

Your staff: Ach, ze sadboys.

Why Your Team Sucks 2024 Dallas Cowboys — Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Dallas Cowboys

Your 2023 document: 12-5. NFC East champs. Highest scoring staff in your entire league. Fifth-best scoring protection within the league. 9 All-Professional alternatives. Let’s see what all of that acquired you.

Lather, rinse, repeat. As ever, Dallas put collectively a dominant common season, solely to succeed in the playoffs and instantly neglect the best way to play soccer. There have been just a few warning indicators on the way in which to that beatdown. An inexplicable, wire-to-wire thrashing by the hands of Josh Dobbs and a beforehand winless Cardinals staff. San Francisco handing them their most lopsided loss in a decade. Arising five yards short in a loss to the hated Eagles. Dropping by three TDs in Buffalo whereas giving up 179 on the bottom to Different Dalvin Cook dinner. And a last-second loss to the Dolphins.

However if you happen to’re the type of pundit who likes speaking up the Cowboys as a Tremendous Bowl contender each November—I do know who you might be; I hold an inventory of names—you gleefully ignored all of that. You pointed at their in depth record of blowout wins in opposition to unspeakably shitty groups, and an inexpensive win in opposition to the Lions aided by the same old little bit of rulebook fuckery on the gun, and also you advised the world, “This time, it might be different.” It’s by no means completely different. I might fall right into a cryogenic sleep for 30 years, get up, and these Cowboys would EXACTLY the identical: identical QB, identical coach, identical disinterested followers, identical damaged wind-up toy of an proprietor. I suppose I ought to be grateful that some issues will stay the identical on this ever-changing, loopy wack funky world we stay in. However the Cowboys’ enduring sameness is roughly as heartening because the persistence of systemic racism.

Let’s return to that playoff loss in January. The Cowboys had been the No. 2 seed within the NFC. The Packers had been a 7-seed that didn’t count on to make the playoffs in Jordan Love’s first 12 months on the wheel. Nobody would have dinged Inexperienced Bay for dropping a playoff recreation, on the street, to an opponent favored to beat them by a landing. Actually, these Packers had been simply pleased to be there. Seems they had been additionally pleased to run up a 27-0 lead and beat the unholy shit out of the Cowboys for good measure. Dallas’s QB accomplished one go your entire first quarter of that recreation. He threw two picks, a pick-six included, earlier than throwing his first TD go. He couldn’t get the ball to his finest wideout till the sport was all however over. The whole Metroplex fell right into a lifeless silence that, so far as I’m conscious, continues to be ongoing. Jerseys had been performatively burned. Stephen A. did his played-out black-hat shtick to zero laughs. And everybody wished the coach fired. That coach?

Your coach: Yup, nonetheless CBS sitcom dad Mike McCarthy, who’s teaching on the final 12 months of his contract. Contract years will likely be a operating theme for the remainder of this preview, however let’s deal with Beav for the second. Right here’s what our man had to say within the face of one more playoff chokejob:

“We have established a championship program. It’s just not a world championship yet,” McCarthy advised a packed information convention Thursday. “We know how to win. We know how to train to win. We have the right people.”

I don’t suppose you do. In the event you did, you’d have already got your “world championship” program, as an alternative of the intercontinental championship program that your proprietor appears content material to maintain in place for the following 78 years. Nonetheless, I need to observe that former defensive coordinator Dan Quinn left for the top teaching job in DC, permitting McCarthy to herald this teddy bear because the alternative:

That’s former Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer, whom the Cowboys practically traded for 5 years in the past, and who will gleefully take McCarthy’s job for the ultimate two weeks of this season. Zimmer left Minnesota beneath maybe probably the most acrimonious circumstances possible, with one among his former gamers accusing him of making a “fear-based culture” inside the whole Vikings group. Did the Cowboys signal that exact same participant this offseason? Hey man, Jerry Jones has a TV present to supply. He wants storylines, not wins!

Your quarterback: Dak Prescott, who will likely be a first-ballot inductee into the Corridor Of In all probability Not Value It the second he hangs up his work khakis. Dak will likely be a free agent after this season, probably with a disgraced Navy SEAL performing as his agent. The Cowboys might have prolonged Dak at any level during the last 12 months and alter. As a substitute, they sat there with their thumbs up their asses whereas Trevor Lawrence, Jordan Love, and Tua Tagovailoa all acquired offers that pushed the QB market into the ionosphere. Now they’ll need to exhaust 80 p.c of their cap allotment on a man who can’t win dick? Welcome to the final six years of my life, Dallas. They had been tremendous enjoyable.

Behind Dak are respectable QB2 Cooper Rush and completely unrespectable QB3 Trey Lance. So the Cowboys pays a truckload to maintain dropping playoff video games with Dak, or they’ll reduce him free after this season and pray that they luck into a 3rd straight choking legend at that place. Jerry already has a custom-made Arch Manning Cowboys jersey that he wears round his yacht, sans pants, each morning.

What’s new that sucks: Nothing! No staff spent much less on free brokers this offseason than the Cowboys. Actually, nearly no different staff has spent much less in free company over the previous three years than this group. They received’t even pay their personal upcoming free brokers. Not solely is Dak in a contract 12 months, however so are WR CeeDee Lamb (at the moment holding out), G Zach Martin, and DT DeMarcus Lawrence. God-level go rusher Micah Parsons’s contract is up after subsequent season besides. Actually some other staff would have locked these gamers up by now, however Dallas didn’t. Why? Properly, Ty Dunne regarded deep into that query two months ago and, as normal, got here again with the products:

“They hate dead money,” one former Cowboys exec says, “and paying people not to work… What they don’t want is to extend out Dak and then have to move on from him, and then there’s going to be a bunch of dead money there that they’re paying.”

Dunne stories that Stephen Jones, son of Jerry, is the one chargeable for this pointless frugality. Each time Jerry needs to do one thing cool, his child is like BUT WAIT THAT’LL CUT INTO MY INHERITANCE! The Dallas Cowboys are probably the most worthwhile staff within the NFL. They’ve a protracted historical past of creating splashy free-agent strikes, drafting Corridor of Fame–caliber gamers, and importing brand-name coaches to run issues. Glitz, glamour, all that bullshit. And but, Dunne exposes a corporation that’s low cost as shit. It’s like if Mike Brown used all of Cincinnati’s personnel finances to purchase pinwheels on the Greenback Common.

Useless cash is a reality of life in professional soccer. In the event you give a participant an enormous contract, there’s at all times likelihood that you simply’ll need to eat a part of that contract. That’s simply how shit works. However apparently the Jones household believes that each greenback they spend has to supply some type of tangible return, which is actually not attainable within the trendy NFL. That’s why groups rent capologists and data-savvy GMs who can fuck with the books to mitigate all of that lifeless cash. The Cowboys might do that as nicely. Proper now. They’ve folks within the constructing who might execute such duties. Extra necessary, who offers a fuck about paying out lifeless cash? You assholes are price billions. What, had been you setting that cash apart for a Windjammer barefoot cruise at some point? Fuck’s incorrect with you?

So right here now we have a roster that’s each loaded and but additionally on the precipice of collapse. All the keys components stay in place. And oh hey, the Cowboys introduced Ezekiel Elliott again to move up their operating assault, despite the fact that present-day Zeke is about an efficient runner as Cardinals-era Emmitt Smith.

In the meantime, depth is a real concern, because of the losses of WR Michael Gallup, LT Tyron Smith, CB Stephon Gilmore, RB Tony Pollard, EDGEs Dorance Armstrong and Dante Fowler, DT Neville Gallimore, C Tyler Biadasz, LB Leighton Vander Esch, and S Jayron Kearse. The one respectable wideout previous Lamb is Brandin Cooks, who sucks. The LB corps is relying on a completely washed Eric Kendricks to be a succesful starter. And the previously vaunted O-line will attempt to exchange Smith and Biadasz with a pair of rookies in T Tyler Guyton and C Cooper Beebe. Any of this strike you as shit that’ll put Dallas excessive eventually? I’ve extra religion in RFK Jr. successful.

What has at all times sucked: The stadium received’t cease making an attempt to blind everybody by way of its large mezzanine windshield. Their corners are consistently going between scoring touchdowns and permitting them. The one purpose to look at the Cowboys in any given season is to see if anybody will get fired. They usually nonetheless get a dozen primetime spots yearly regardless of being as related to the league’s energy construction because the fucking Bucs. It is a staff designed to waste everybody’s time, in a state designed to crush each resident’s spirit. I’m accomplished right here. Fuck these clowns, and fuck Texas.

What won’t suck: Zimmer is a awful man, however he can coordinate the shit out of a protection. Sacks will abound.

HEAR IT FROM COWBOYS FANS!

Danny:

I’m so bored with this staff.

Rob:

God damnit Drew, they did it once more!

Jim:

Jerry Jones has extra illegitimate kids than NFC Championship appearances within the final 30 years. My solely aim in life now could be to survive him.

Phillip:

Jerry proclaiming to the world that the Cowboys had been going “all in” this low season was identical to me speaking recreation earlier than the primary time I had intercourse. In each situations, the anticipated outcomes had been wildly exaggerated, and nobody concerned would name it a satisfying time. 

Andrew:

I’m so glad Aaron Rodgers fucked off to the Jets so we might get pantsed by a special Packers QB within the playoffs. My fiancé doesn’t perceive why I do that to myself and albeit, I don’t both.

Mark:

Jerry Jones acquired liquored up and fired one of the best coach in staff historical past. He single handedly destroyed a dynasty as a result of he wasn’t getting sufficient pats on the again. I’ve submitted this reality a number of instances and it by no means adjustments. I hate every little thing.

Clint:

There are two classes of Cowboys fan: 1) those that hate themselves for following this staff 12 months in and 12 months out, 2) the largest assholes within the universe.

Christian:

I’ve needed to take care of a decade of Jason Garrett, and now nearly a decade of low cost Russell Wilson. I legitimately miss Tony Romo.

Chris:

Jerry Jones nonetheless doesn’t understand how a wage cap works. 

Richard:

We have now three of our greatest gamers in many years needing extensions and we haven’t signed any of them. We flamed out within the playoffs once more, did nothing to get higher, and are clearly considering blowing all of it as much as go discover a low cost (white?) QB that the followers can all bitch about till 2038.

No less than Zeke is again in order that we don’t want a backup middle.

Michael:

Final 12 months I satisfied myself that it doesn’t matter what, I used to be not going to get my hopes up. I knew that we weren’t going to do shit within the playoffs. Even after attending the Lions recreation, I saved my phrase and mentioned nope, not doing it. Let me let you know, it was probably the most pleasurable NFL season I’ve ever had. Simply effing keel over, Jerry.

Elliot:

You already know what made that embarrassment of a playoff loss sting rather less? A pair weeks earlier than that, my now-ex-wife let me know our marriage was over. My world felt prefer it was falling aside, so when our protection fell right into a coma and Dak started vomiting throughout himself, all I might do was shake my head and sigh. Not even the Cowboys might actually damage me. 

One of many solely good issues about my divorce is now my ex received’t be round to silently (and rightfully) choose me for watching this ridiculous staff each week. I will likely be alone with myself and my disgrace. That’s in all probability the way it ought to be. 

Ward:

There’s a beautiful video of my daughter studying to roll over for the primary time. My spouse oohs and ahhs as this tiny bundle of pleasure revels in her newly discovered talent. This idyllic scene is all of a sudden up-ended with the sharp verbal assault of “WTF Campo????”, adopted by a stream of curse phrases that might make a sailor blush as I lose my thoughts over Campo’s newest draw name on third and lengthy. My spouse at all times appears at me when this video comes up and says, “You must be so proud.”

I really feel like that’s the identical factor everybody else thinks once they hear I’m {that a} Cowboys fan, and I can’t actually argue with that evaluation. 

Dave:

Wild Card Weekend was interrupted by an enormous ice storm right here in Portland, Oregon. Energy went out at 8am, and my spouse and I spent the following 24 hours with out warmth, scorching water, or playoff soccer. 50mph winds knocked down enormous bushes throughout our neighborhood, each time we heard one crack, we apprehensive that we could be goners. It was a aggravating, frigid, and sleepless night time.

When Sunday dawned and I noticed the wreckage on our block, I knew that we might be out of energy for a lot of days. We scrambled to evacuate, turning the water off and emptying the fridge. WiFi was down, so I couldn’t even Google a lodge phone quantity. Fortunately, I used to be capable of name a buddy who booked us a room downtown.

Between the icy roads and the fallen bushes, we nearly crashed the automobile a number of instances on our drive to the lodge. By this time, I knew that the Cowboys-Packers recreation had kicked off. I’d by no means missed a second of a Cowboys playoff recreation in 47 years of masochistic fandom, however I selected to not flip the radio on as a result of I couldn’t afford to be distracted. 

The lodge foyer was a refugee scene, crammed with households who hadn’t been quick sufficient to snag a room. We acquired in line to test in and I lastly pulled out my telephone. I noticed that the rating was 27-7 on the half, and assumed that ESPN had mistakenly swapped the groups. No approach the Cowboys (who had been a 7-point favourite) had been getting blown out at dwelling by Jordan Love, proper?

I texted my shut buddy Chan who, even figuring out what I had been going by way of, assured me that I had been fortunate to have missed the primary half. That is when it struck me. My staff sucks as a result of I actually was higher off evacuating my home throughout a life-threatening pure catastrophe than watching them host a playoff recreation.

Tony (not Romo):

These morons are going to someway lose Dak, CeeDee, and Parsons suddenly, and the moron followers are going to lap it up as a result of they’ll say these guys are egocentric someway. Fuck this silly staff, fuck this silly proprietor, and fuck each moron Cowboys fan I’ve ever interacted with.

Tyler:

AT&T Stadium can have extra the other way up American flags in its parking tons this 12 months than upright ones. 

Brad:

The proprietor is such an consideration whore that he’d fairly reschedule press day at coaching camp than enable his head coach to discuss the staff. Jerry couldn’t make the unique press day as a result of he was busy in a Texarkana courthouse making an attempt to get out of a paternity swimsuit after Jerry-mandering an airplane gate agent.

Patrick:

Dan Quinn sat courtside at a Georgetown basketball recreation in February, shortly after getting employed because the Commies’ subsequent HC. He left slightly early within the second half through the gamers’ tunnel. I used to be sitting over that tunnel. As Quinn walked by way of, I yelled out, “COACH! THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! GO BOYS!” to which he gave me a head nod.

Had I had just a few beers? Sure. Was I 100% honest? Additionally sure. The spotlight of my soccer *and* basketball seasons was thanking a coordinator who bailed on us for a divisional rival. I suck.

Luke:

Jerry Jones fucked up the Zeke deal SO dangerous that it’s now affecting the present offers with Lamb, Prescott, & Parsons.

Jack:

Our proprietor is a geriatric intercourse pest who would fairly let this silly fucking staff languish for an additional 10-20 years of mediocrity as an alternative of promoting the rattling staff.

However “Oh! Jerry isn’t that bad, look at how well they’ve drafted!” you would possibly say. You would be incorrect. Jerry Jones drafted a operating again fourth total, and needed to be bodily restrained from drafting the likes of Paxton Lynch and Johnny Manziel. We lucked into Dak Prescott. CeeDee Lamb fell into our laps and goes to price $40 million a 12 months to maintain round. And Micah Parsons is fucking invisible from November on. 

Kyle Shanahan wipes his ass with our playbook, and Matt LeFleur appears nicely on his method to 10+ years of doing the identical. 

Dez caught the ball, although. 

Carlos:

I had this coming. All of us do. There is a howling religious void on the middle of this nation. The Dallas Cowboys are the staff that I and America deserve.

Submissions for the NFL previews at the moment are closed. Subsequent up: Inexperienced Bay Packers.

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