Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Buffalo Bills
Some persons are followers of the Buffalo Bills. However many, many extra persons are NOT followers of the Buffalo Bills. This 2024 Defector NFL group preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews to this point right here.
Your group: Buffalo Bills.
Your 2023 file: 11-6, which began off with a bang on Monday Evening Soccer in opposition to the New York Jets. After noted Egyptologist Aaron Rodgers snapped his Achilles roughly three seconds into the soccer sport, the Bills proceeded to vomit throughout their footwear in opposition to a Zach Wilson Jets group … again. Not less than they did it in a brand new and exciting way this time!
After beating up on the basement of the league for a couple of weeks (the Raiders, Commanders, and Dolphins), the Bills slumped laborious in the course of the season, with close to misses in opposition to the Giants and Buccaneers (shudder) and a really actual last-second loss to Michael McCorkle Jones’s Patriots—the final win in his Patriots profession, and fairly presumably the final significant soccer sport he’ll ever win. I used to be within the fucking constructing for his or her subsequent fool loss on MNF in opposition to the Denver Broncos, which is the second time I’ve watched this team lose on a fire-drill field goal against the Broncos, however the first time I’ve ever seen an offensive coordinator get fired as a result of a special teams coordinator couldn’t count how many players should be on the field (extra on that later).
Fortunately, regardless of a 6-6 begin to the season, the Bills bought all fired up about 9/11 (once more, extra on that later) and completed the 12 months 11-6. Congratulations, you received the division! And after beating Mason Rudolph, you bought to host the Chiefs within the Divisional Spherical! The Chiefs—the group that beats you within the playoffs each fucking 12 months—had been coming to you for a change! You may shake the fraud label proper now! No one—no person—believes in you! WHAT ARE YOU PREPARED TO DO ABOUT IT? DON’T LET NO ONE COME INTO YOUR HOUSE! TAKE YOUR MEAL! DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TODAY!
Lol.
Your coach: Coach 9/11, the artist previously often called Coach Troops.
Look, everyone knows about the 9/11 thing at this level. Sean McDermott thinks Mohamed Atta was a Soccer Man. The pinnacle coach of the Buffalo Bills thinks Salafism and Cowl 3 have extra in widespread than you would possibly assume. The person who resurrected soccer in Western New York tried to make use of a century-defining tragedy to fireside up his boys, and when information broke, the team rallied around him and went on an unprecedented division-winning run.
So, whereas the 9/11 story is the plain crimson meat right here (as is the coach’s lengthy and storied historical past of comedian sport mismanagement and the truth that he’s, by all accounts, a nightmare to work with), Tyler Dunne already wrote that story. Slightly than regurgitate his reporting, I’d rather you pay him money and read it yourself. (Have enjoyable with the Niagara Falls speech!)
As a substitute, I wanna take us to his coordinators: Bobby Babich, Matthew Smiley, and Joe Brady. Babich seems to be the uncommon nepo child with some juice, getting the promotion from LBs coach after interviewing for DC jobs within the offseason. Smiley was promoted up from assistant particular groups coach to STC in 2022 below mysterious circumstances (extra about that quickly!). Brady, equally, bought promoted to OC from QBs coach after kind social studies teacher Ken Dorsey was fired in November, and …
Look, that is Bizarre, proper? The group’s earlier defensive coordinator, Leslie Frazier, “took a year off” after a 13-3 season in 2022 and by no means got here again. Brady is the fourth—fourth!—offensive coordinator of the McDermott tenure, and solely certainly one of his earlier OCs, Brian Daboll, left for a head teaching job. Rick Dennison and Ken Dorsey had been each dumpstered throughout/after playoff seasons, with Dorsey’s firing coming below particularly doubtful circumstances. What number of head coaches get to rent this many coordinators? What number of refuse to rent from exterior the group like this?!?
Perhaps most apparently, former particular groups coordinator Heath Farwell left for a similar job with the Jacksonville Jaguars after the 13 Seconds sport. I can’t show that it is because, say, hypothetically, McDermott overrode Farwell’s name for a squib kick and had Tyler Bass kick it deep, which then gave the Chiefs simply sufficient time to ship the sport to additional time, thus creating battle between Farwell and McDermott that would by no means be mended. No one will ever go on the file about such a factor, so I assume we’ll by no means know what occurred! Aww, shucks!
What I can say for certain is {that a} lot of Sean McDermott’s coordinators appear to go away or get fired on the actual second folks begin calling for McDermott’s head. Actually, good luck to Babich and Brady. If their boss forgets what number of timeouts their opponent has—once more (allegedly)—they may be referred to as into his workplace on Monday morning.
Your quarterback: Think about if Air Bud had an absolute fucking hose.
Look, I’ve written about Josh Allen earlier than. Your quarterback is a miracle! One of many biggest athletes to ever play the place! He’s additionally a rocks-for-brains dullard who listens to Frank Sinatra as a result of he thinks that’s what Adults do, possibly cheated on his long-term ex-girlfriend in accordance with actually everybody within the Buffalo gossip mill (allegedly), and forgets which group he’s presupposed to throw to 3 weeks a 12 months. He likes hanging out with Daniel Ricciardo, being in commercials, and playing golf greater than he likes soccer. All of this makes him deeply human, which essentially limits his potential greatness. Your quarterback might be the normal-est earth-shattering quarterback in league historical past, and in a world the place football-throwing Roombas win championships, that’s not all the time good!
An fascinating observe about the remainder of the quarterback room that you just, Bills followers, undoubtedly notice, however the common viewers might not: the Bills’ solely standards for choosing backup quarterbacks is how nicely they get together with Josh Allen. From Matt Barkley and Davis Webb to Case Keenum and Kyle Allen, being Josh Allen’s Greatest Good friend is extraordinarily profitable! This 12 months, noted breast enthusiast Mitch Trubisky (again after his earlier backup stint in Buffalo in some way landed him a payday in Pittsburgh) and Shane Buechele auditioned for the function of Josh’s Greatest Good friend, with each usually underwhelming and ultimately succumbing to accidents. Whereas Trubisky is likely to return soon, Mike White was simply signed to the follow squad and can probably slot in as QB3. White was picked over Ben DiNucci, which is simply as nicely as a result of DiNucci appears to deal with taking part in soccer as a aspect hustle to his actual ardour: promoting the stupidest fucking hats you’ve ever seen in your life.
This hat referred to as me a slur in a school bar in Norman, Oklahoma. This hat owes your cousin from Nacogdoches 40 bucks. This hat has a DUI.
Hey, has anybody observed that it’s been 5 years for the reason that Bills rostered a black quarterback? Bizarre! My unhealthy, Bills! It took a number of accidents, however you did the thing! Welcome to Buffalo, Anthony Brown! You had been reduce 5 days later, however I’m certain you’re cool, too!
What’s new that sucks: LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO
For shits and giggles, let’s rely each single snap the Bills have to interchange in 2024, OK? This can be laborious so that you can course of, however let’s be courageous. Deep breath. Only for enjoyable, let’s daring gamers with a minimum of 4 years of Bills tenure, after which italicize gamers who had been voluntarily launched or traded away.
Mitch Morse (1,129). Jordan Poyer (1,047). Gabriel Davis (966). Stefon Diggs (949). Micah Hyde (834). Tyrel Dodson (733). Leonard Floyd (584). Dane Jackson (564). Trent Sherfield (542). Tim Settle (436). Jordan Phillips (399). Siran Neal (387). Shaq Lawson (376). Tyler Matakevich (359). Latavius Murray (351). Deonte Harty (223). Poona Ford (184). Tre’Davious White (182). Linval Joseph (162). Damien Harris (94). Kendal Vickers (67). Kyle Allen (38). Ryan Bates (35). Leonard Fournette (26). Josh Norman (22) (sure, that Josh Norman). AJ Klein (19).
Robust search for the Wage Cap Isn’t Actual folks, huh? Anyway, by my rely, that’s 10,708 snaps. For a group that stubbornly maintained continuity to the purpose of stagnation, it’s a surprising exodus for only one offseason, one that features six of their 2023 captains. So how have the Bills determined to fill the void? Nicely .. let’s get to that!
Receiver, clearly, stands out. Following the departure of principally your complete room (together with some receiver folks might have heard of idk), the Bills have crammed with the void with profession role-players Curtis Samuel and Mack Hollins. Each are anticipated to be main contributors immediately, regardless of Samuel being hobbled with turf toe and Hollins being a Feet Guy, a risky mixture. The group additionally introduced in veteran also-ran Guys To Keep in mind Marquez Valdes-Scantling and Chase Claypool.
[producing running onstage to whisper in my ear] Actually? Are you certain?
The Bills and huge receiver Chase Claypool have agreed to an harm settlement, per at present’s NFL transaction report. This removes him from injured reserve and means he could have the flexibility to signal with a group.
— Alaina Getzenberg (@agetzenberg) August 15, 2024
Ah, shit. Nicely, nonetheless, the Bills do have some promising younger expertise within the room with Khalil Shakir, who runs like he has to poop, and Keon Coleman, who brings ball expertise, wacky antics, and an aversion to separation the Bills haven’t seen for the reason that likes of Andre Holmes and Kelvin Benjamin. Not less than he’s humorous!
Elsewhere on offense, the Bills plan to plug in Connor McGovern for the departing Mitch Morse. Please don’t get Connor McGovern confused with Connor McGovern. Whereas Connor McGovern is a former guard that bought signed by an AFC East group that later transformed to heart, Connor McGovern is a former guard that bought signed by an AFC East group that later transformed to heart. Please get it proper.
On protection, the starters within the entrance six stay the identical, with new depth items in DeWayne Carter, Austin Johnson, Dawuane Smoot, and Javon Solomon all more likely to fill out the rotation on the road. Filling in for the departing Poyer and Hyde at security are 2023 backup Taylor Rapp and … nicely … it’s a little bit of a thriller. Token Caucasian rookie Cole Bishop and veteran vaccine-dodger Mike Edwards are each injured, which means Damar Hamlin would possibly begin Week 1.
Wait, Damar’s damage too? Are you critical?
Bills harm replace:
Mitch Trubisky, MVS and Quintin Morris can be out “multiple weeks”
Curtis Samuel, Damar Hamlin, and Baylon Spector are week to week
Javon Solomon and Austin Johnson can be restricted this week
S Mike Edwards and Cole Bishop and LB Nicholas Morrow will do…
— Sal Capaccio (@SalSports) August 19, 2024
By no means thoughts. Ignore the whole lot I’ve typed about what the Bills would possibly appear like in 2024. The harm report appears like Verdun in 1916. You, truthful residents, may be pressed into service in Week 1.
(As I used to be typing the primary draft of this part, it was introduced that All-Professional linebacker Matt Milano will miss most of the season with a torn bicep. Lol. Lmao.)
What has all the time sucked: I may discuss shit concerning the bajillion-dollar publicly financed stadium they’re constructing throughout the road from the present one. I may discuss shit about Terry Pegula, the fracking superyacht enthusiast who ruined a perennially successful hockey team and stumbled cheeks-first into hiring a reliable soccer coach as a result of he’s a big tough wrasslin’ man. I may even discuss his kids which might be at the moment locked in the lamest version of Succession you’ve ever seen in your life, full with energy grapples whereas persons are medically incapacitated, kids from a number of marriages engaged in factional strife, and failsons that appear oddly obsessive about cum.
Regrettably, there’s a much bigger nail that wants hammering: You Fucking Individuals.
Look. I’m guessing that in the event you don’t dwell right here, you continue to have a broadly constructive opinion of Bills followers for his or her dedication and … extracurricular actions. A previously nice web site I can’t fairly bear in mind the identify of used to doc their antics, from Kiko Alonso jersey swaps to self-immolation. Simply this previous season, one intrepid Bills fan snatched nationwide headlines for doing alcohol, marijuana, coke, LSD, covering himself in porta-potty waste, and falling into a 30-foot pit on the new stadium building website, thus inspiring Copycat Pit-Jumpers. “What a bunch of lovable weirdos,” you would possibly say. “Gotta love those silly Bills fans!”
All I can say is: You don’t should dwell with these folks.
The common Bills fan is a superbly rectangular Polish dude from Cheektowaga who has the sense to solely say slurs in personal, not in public (unless Colin Kaepernick is in town, after all). He rides his “Buffalo” “cultural” “identity” extraordinarily laborious, largely expressed by way of products he does or does not consume. He’s solely able to expressing his curiosity in one thing by saying “I’m a big [insert noun here] guy.” He has opinions on Zyn flavors. He exists to answer to Barstool personalities on social media, desperately hoping he can be plucked out of obscurity to be the third Pardon My Take host on the advantage of his folding desk jumps, as a result of this is the precise form of man who jumps via tables.
From September via January (and, belief, it is going to not proceed via to February anytime quickly), hundreds of those males swarm public areas in Western New York like locusts. You’re simply as more likely to hear one attempting to start out a Bills “Shout” chant at your native Wegmans on gameday as you might be at Twin Oaks on Southwestern Blvd. It’s unimaginable to overstate the omnipresence of this fully vacant “culture” in the event you haven’t lived in it.
That is the picture Buffalo initiatives nationally, consciously or subconsciously. Right here’s what fucking sucks about that, particularly: THESE PEOPLE DON’T LIVE IN BUFFALO. The common Bills fan described above claims to be “from Buffalo” regardless of setting foot in metropolis limits precisely 5 occasions per 12 months: twice to see the Sabres, as soon as to see the Bandits, as soon as to spend a day shuffling from air-conditioned field to air-conditioned field within the Elmwood Village, and as soon as to attempt (and fail) to choose up bisexual girls with thigh tattoos in Allentown. To folks like this, “Buffalo” is a model they have interaction with, not a metropolis {that a} quarter-million folks dwell in. They usually’ve so efficiently abstracted “Buffalo” as id that you just, reader who’s by no means been to Buffalo, consider these folks once you consider my metropolis.
Wanna know one thing about my fucking metropolis? It’s beautifully diverse. It’s a real honest-to-god cultural melting pot: it’s black, Puerto Rican, Yemeni, Bangladeshi, Burmese, and even Italian. It’s also one of the most segregated cities in America by most metrics, in order that variety is definitely swept below the rug and ignored. Whereas “Buffalo” is printed on t-shirts for descendants of white-flighters, the individuals who really dwell in Buffalo typically achieve this in food deserts. Oh, hey, talking of white-flighters, where’d the Bills used to play? Bizarre!
Let’s set all this difficult real-world stuff apart for a second, although, and put it in additional blog-friendly Haha Comedy phrases: Bills Mafia is That One Good friend you continue to have out of your youth. You used to stand up to some shit—a number of laborious nights, Canadian beer, and petty property harm—however after graduating, you grew up, give up hitting the bottle, and bought a decent-enough job. You’ve a long-term companion, a secure dwelling scenario, and 1.25 pets. You get again in contact with That One Good friend, agree to fulfill them for a drink, and notice that they’re nonetheless the identical actual individual they had been a decade in the past. They nonetheless discuss the identical shitty films, drink the identical shitty beer, and smoke the identical shitty cigarettes. They’re trapped in amber, they usually’re joyful that means. That is Bills Mafia.
Anyway, one final cum hat for the street:
What may not suck: Hey, you’re nonetheless within the AFC East! The #fashionable choose for division winner goes to be the Dolphins, however you could possibly’ve stated the very same fucking factor final 12 months. Sean McDermott, regardless of all his faults, will get good play out of his defenses like clockwork. Whereas a swarm of veterans simply walked out the door, they had been all outdated as rocks and may’ve been changed years in the past. The void in management provides gamers like Greg Rousseau, Ed Oliver, Taron Johnson, and Terrel Bernard a possibility to step up. On offense, Josh Allen goes to do Josh Allen Shit, no matter who he’s throwing the ball to. That is the dude who made Cole Beasley look dope! James Prepare dinner is … nicely, let’s test in on the offensive line in six weeks, however he appears like a critical particular person between the tackles.
Most of all, Bills followers, I would like you to take coronary heart. Irrespective of how fraudulent you might be, you’re all the time much less fraudulent than the fucking Dolphins.