‘Borderlands’ Made Me Hate Video Games, Movies, And Even Cate Blanchett
On the finish of 2022’s Tár, Cate Blanchett’s titular character, first title Lydia, finds herself on the nadir of her profession, shamed and shunned attributable to her abusive previous. She’s misplaced every thing in her life, her marriage and profession each imploding directly. The film ends with the conductor getting ready for what looks like a comeback efficiency, a redemption arc whereby the tortured genius will get another shot, earlier than ending on a really humorous and really merciless joke: The efficiency is of the online game soundtrack for Monster Hunter, and this conductor, who as soon as dominated an orchestra with an iron fist in entrance of the wealthiest folks on Earth, is now relegated to incomes a buck in entrance of cosplayers.
I assumed in regards to the ending of Tár so much whereas watching Borderlands. Cate Blanchett is not within the valley of her profession, but it surely certain felt prefer it. Why else would a multi-time Oscar-winning actress join one thing as vile as this film if not for lack of higher choices?
For these unaware, Borderlands is an adaptation of the online game sequence of the identical title, a “looter shooter” (that means the fun is in getting new loot, weapons particularly, that may seriously change the gameplay; one gun may hearth rockets from a pistol, whereas one other may observe enemies so aiming is much less necessary) whose essential calling card was its edgy humor. By “edgy,” I imply “stuck in the late 2000s Reddit epic bacon mindset, sir!” I’ve to confess that I loved taking part in the three mainline Borderlands video games, largely for his or her good co-op play and positively not for a way humorous they had been.
As a result of, actually, they weren’t. Even in 2009, when the primary sport got here out, the humor already felt dated, a wide range of nonsensical blabber and apparent stereotypes, some considerably extra offensive than others. What, then, does a Borderlands film develop into in 2024, when that humor is sort of sufficiently old to drive? The reply, within the incompetent arms of director Eli Roth, is one way or the other worse than the video games that impressed it.
Film critics and basic film-enjoyers get loads of mileage out of (largely rightly) dumping on Marvel motion pictures for his or her eschewing of precise jokes in favor of “Well, that just happened!” quips. Now that I’ve seen Borderlands, that appears like an indefensible insult to superhero motion pictures. There are not any laughs to be discovered on this specific wasteland, and no pleasure in any respect even in the obvious of banter, with the characters all resorting to mentioning what simply occurred in a monotone voice meant to painting that everybody is just too previous for this shit. (Blanchett’s character, Lilith, truly says “I’m getting too old for this shit” in an early scene.)
The plot would not fare significantly better than the dialogue. Borrowing and remixing the primary story beats from, so far as I might keep in mind, the primary two video games within the sequence, Borderlands has a ragtag found-family of kinds try to seek out numerous keys to a vault, which is alleged to deal with alien artifacts that can make whoever opens it the strongest being within the universe. Or one thing. I am not likely certain, as a result of the film by no means explains what these artifacts might truly do, even when they’re revealed within the climax. Actually, that is only a quest film, and that may be OK even with undefined stakes, however there is not any urgency right here. There’s an evil company attempting to entry the vault, and a few household drama to try to inject pathos into one thing that has no want for it, however each character within the film goes by way of the motions, similar to the actors portraying them.
Borderlands wastes Blanchett by giving her completely nothing to work with. She does her finest, I suppose, however even her finest cannot elevate Lilith above the Lone Outlaw inventory character sort, and he or she’s continually smirking at nothing particularly. Nearly nobody else from the solid comes out trying remotely respectable. Jamie Lee Curtis, as an insane scientist whose madness principally quantities to “she’s a bit quirky,” additional squanders no matter goodwill her misbegotten Oscar may need received her. Venezuelan actor Édgar Ramírez performs the dangerous man, Atlas, largely in hologram scenes, and if somebody informed me that he filmed every thing in a single afternoon, I might imagine it. Ariana Greenblatt takes her Barbie character and makes it about 70 p.c extra inscrutable and worsening, whereas a minimum of fortunately putting off (most of) the racist voice-work her Borderlands character, Tiny Tina, was recognized for within the video games. Jack Black voices Claptrap, a robotic whose humor is solely rooted in how cute and WALL-E-esque he seems in distinction to the PG-13 profanity he deploys. Solely Creed II villain Florian Munteanu escapes together with his dignity intact: His Krieg a minimum of makes use of the actor’s physicality, and although he performs a trope—the light big—he a minimum of will get to indicate off a formidable understanding of how silly this film is.
And, my god, Kevin Hart. I may need loads of criticisms of Hart as an actor, however one factor I by no means thought I might say about him is that he utterly phoned in a efficiency. The person is thought, for higher and sometimes worse, for giving even the shittiest materials his all, however his Roland is performed as a straight man, and it is clear from primarily the primary scene of the film that his coronary heart is just not in it. By my depend, he will get one tried chortle line, and it is a clunker: After preventing a horde of lunatic gang members and ending up under a pile of corpses, he digs his manner out and says “Worst. Orgy. Ever.” That is the kind of humor we’re working with right here. If it had fun observe, it may need been extra fascinating for the surreality.
Please do not get me unsuitable: If one way or the other the above makes it seem to be Borderlands may very well be enjoyable in a trainwreck kind of manner, I might be doing everybody a disservice by not saying this explicitly: It. Is. Not. It’s a drab money seize wherein there is no such thing as a money to seize. I do know there’s an viewers for nearly every thing, however I am unable to think about what the viewers is for an unpleasant, CGI-loaded slog like this. Followers of the video video games may get a minor kick out of seeing their favorites on the large display screen, however there’s nothing past a few gun title references to behave as fan service. Followers of motion motion pictures can have precisely one considerably entertaining scene to observe, a frenetic if hard-to-follow underground scrap set to Motörhead’s “Ace of Spades.” The remainder of the motion is both stilted or boring, with the large climactic scene devolving into watching Ramírez cock his arm repeatedly to set off a laser beam from a spaceship.
Again to the PG-13 ranking for a second: If there may need been a saving grace for this film, it will have come from giving Roth free reign. Roth is nobody’s concept of a great director, however he a minimum of typically has appeared to grasp that his worth proposition rests on unrestrained gore. (I noticed Hostel and Hostel II, I do know what I am speaking about.) But there’s none of that right here, as Borderlands operates inside a ranking little doubt aimed toward attracting children whose senses of humor have not matured past poop jokes. I do not recall seeing any blood, there are not any sick and twisted kills, there’s nothing to even grimace at—as a result of there’s nothing right here.
As a substitute, Roth is pressured to function like a traditional director with regular skills, which he doesn’t possess. The motion scenes are shot in a manner that hints at a method: Make every thing look as fashionable as doable, and hope nobody notices how repetitive that motion is. The story and dialog scenes are worse, with close-ups below pretend lighting giving every thing a soundstage vibe, one which made me imagine at instances that these actors had by no means been in the identical room with each other. I am tempted to credit score Roth with a minimum of avoiding a first-person POV scene like Doom‘s, however a minimum of which may have been fascinating.
Borderlands is a top-to-bottom failure, as a result of each alternative made in its creation is hostile to the very concept of intrigue. Knock the video games all you need, however a minimum of the act of taking part in them was enjoyable, in its personal manner. The film cannot replicate the one good components of the video games, although, and so what it is left with is a sleepwalk by way of motions that are not good to start with. I am not right here to say that there’s a higher Borderlands film to be made; this was a doomed endeavor from the beginning as a result of what Borderlands did finest as a online game—sport play—is irrelevant to cinematic adaptation.
The one manner this catastrophe might have been averted is by somebody, someplace, realizing what a chunk of shit the unique property was, and the way little juice may very well be squeezed from the thought of Mad Max aesthetics married to a youngster’s sensibilities. The outcome, it seems, is one way or the other worse than the topline description suggests. Borderlands is noteworthy solely in how embodies everybody’s worst impulses smashed collectively in an assault on anybody unfortunate or unwise sufficient to take a seat by way of it.